Friday, April 30, 2004

one wk has past once again.. life seems so borin.. lookin forward to the trip to KL... finalli time for mi to LET GO of everythin.. everythin dat is in mi mind lately... though it will onli b temperory.. but.. at least i wun keep ponderin bout the soooo mani questions which i cant ans... yeah.. tis wk like spent lots of money le... mother's day cumin too... treatin mi family to BREEKS tis wkend.. tink goin to broke le..
yeah stil miss mi dog like awiz ba... jus keep imagining him there... but wat to do ar... at hm nth to take those tots off mi mind.. so jus will tink ba.. yeah uni application.. dunno wat to do either.. so uncertain bout mi future... seems like most pple receive letters or at least sum call frm the uni... but mi... jus hav to wait ba... life's jus so borin... without ani goals in life.. or rather i dun tink i shd hav ani goals... yeah...

-stil tinkin bout mani stuffs-

Friday, April 23, 2004

back again... yeah can c dat mani pple got their uni letters le... dun tink i will gt mine.. started to gt real worry liao.. as to wat am i goin to do if realli REALLI cant gt in uni... n REALLI...... i dun hav ani back up plans.. NONE at all... haiz... mi hope is gone.. i cant hope animore.. neither can prayin helps.. life is jus so unfair ba... bout how pple work so hard.. but nv gt wat they deserve... as for those hu nv hav to do anithin.. they got everythin... mayb dats y they no need to do anithin ba... well i sure do belong to those dat work but nv gt wat i deserve... though i admit i may not hav work hard enuff.. but i did try... but nah... im stil back to where i started... its jus like runnin on a road without an end... no destination to do to.. dats mi life...
guess im startin to self-pity miself liao.. y do bad things alwiz happen to mi?? or is it dat i onli tend to look at the dark side of everythin??? but where is the bright side??? i cant c it... ani1 care to guide mi??? lost all the confidence i used to hav.... now i dun even feel like miself animore... not sure of wat to do... or wat am i doin.. or wat i hav to do... lost all mi morales too... jus livin day by day.. sumtimes realli do wish dat mi jus slp i wun wake up.. or by the time i do wake up.. everythin is back to normal.. but wat is normal?? i dunno either...
hai too mani questions.. but i dun hav ani ans... mayb sum questions is beta off w/o ani ans ba....
so tired of miself le.. onli keep complainin... n tinkin n tinkin bout soo mani things on mi mind... sumtimes i do HATE miself... y am i like tis???

-hating miself-

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

so fast 1 wk has past le... mi dog has been gone for a wk.. n stil tink of him n miss him.. tot is his tou qi.. as pple believe dat the spirit of the person will cum back on the 7th day after his death.. i wonder does dat apply to dogs??? if so den mayb gt to c mi dog ba... haiz.. c his fotos den brings tears to mi eyes.. stil sad...
haiz... worried bout mani things ... mi results which can gt mi nowhere.. n got the yu gan dat mi wun b able to gt in uni.. n wat shd i do??? i realli dunno... go apply poly?? i dunno... if onli i chose mi path more carefully... bad start for tis yr.. nth seems to go smoothly... feel like such a failure... had too much regrets le... wat to do... haiz.. too late le ba... nth i can do le....
n suddenly got tis feelin.. tis feelin of loneliness inside... like im all alone.. w/o ani frens... family.. jus mi alone... felt im driftin away... n hav no1 i can count on animore.. so sad... got xin shi wan to sae it out.. but i dunno hu to turn too... felt like no1 will understand how i feel.. jus realise mi nv realli had a fren whom i can tell everythin to dat person... so all these yrs.. its jus mi... close frens oso dunno how i feel or wat am i tinkin... alwiz wearin tis mask on mi... onlii able to take it off wen i am at hm... alwiz cryin late in the nite.. n hu noe.. cry miself to slp so mani times.. n hu noes... haiz... tink im jus a failure ba.. in everything.... yeah failure dats wat i am...

-feelingless??-

Saturday, April 17, 2004

a wk ago mi dog was lost... at dat time din realli feel much.. cos i noe i will find him back like mani time b4... but dat time got tis uneasy feelin which i nv had b4.. jus knew dat sth wld happen to him... but dun noe dat it will b so bad... stil can rem jus a wk ago.. was playin wif him so finely.. but now.. i dun even gt to c him le.. onli hav to look at those fotos to c how he look like.. how i wish wld hav taken more fotos wif him...
everywhere in the hse i walk.. i c mi dog there.. playin...slpin... but now the hse seems so quiet... feel ao alone wen im hm alone... cos usualli mi dog is there... but noe.. haiz... at times realli dun feel like goin hm.. cos i noe wen i reach hm mi will hu si luan xiang again... how i alwiz imagine mi dog is there...n oso wen i feel like callin for mi dog... he wasnt there... sumtimes i jus 4gt he wasnt there animore... all dat has happen doesnt seems real to mi... i rather take it as he was lost forever.. at least i wun hav to keep recallin those events seein him sufferin... mani things i wanna type down bout mi dog... so dat i will not forget every single things about him... he was onli 5... so young.. n he had to leave.. he wld hav been able to live another 5yrs if we had not been careless... wenever tink of him... tears stil came to mi eyes... but they jus wun flow.. cos i dun hav animore tears left... jus tis sad feelin lingerin in mi heart... haven realli been happy the past wk... wen will i ever gt over it??? probably nv...

sry guys... keep writin bout mi dog.. noe its borin.. but jus wanna write it down so dat next time i can c it again... so dat i wun 4gt him... haven realli been miself lately.. i mayb laughin n smilin.. but tis hurt in mi heart will alwiz b there...

-sad-

Tuesday, April 13, 2004
my dog....

todae is a day mi will forvever remember.. my whole life... put mi dog to slp.. end all his sufferings... hope he gt a better life in another world.. will miss him alwiz...

the dae we brought u hm.. u are so lively so happy n so young.... we chose u over the others cos u r so bubbly.. so lively.. i knew dat mi life wld change the day u came into mi life... u brought colours into mi world... u r sth dat i will nv ever forget... since the very dae u came.. u became part of mi family... which we all knew n loved... how we train u to b 'ting hua'... n how mani times we hav to hit u so dat u will listen... now tinkin back.. those were the happy days..
over the years.. we all gt to know u even beta... how u being in the hse is so natural.. n cumin hm everydae wif sum1 to greet u.. u wld jump on mi n yearnin for mi to carry u.. how ur endless barkin if i dun do it.. how cute u look wen u slp.. n farnie u r wen u played.. n how u alwiz 'sa jiao' to gt to us... realli missed u alot alot... u brought mi joy even wen im down.. jus lookin at u playin is bliss...
but now dat u r gone.. life is so empty.. cumin hm to a hse w/o life... no more jumpin ard frm u.. lickin our faces.. n no more responses frm ul...
will alwiz remember how u reacted wen we said sth.. like pompom.. u will run to hide.. gaigai den u wld run to the door.. n mummum den u will go to the kitchen... how u wld hide wenever the vacuum is on.. how u wld snuggled up against us wen u r afraid.. miss havin u in mi arms.. walkin u ard.. playin ard... n jus seein u slpin...
i brought u back hm.. now i hav to send u away wif mi hands... walk u to the end of ur journey.. n how i will alwiz b there for u.... even though mani times u dislike mi.. but i stil love u... havin to witness u being put to slp... how slowly ur life is fadin away.. i noe u r scared wen we r there.. so we hav to hug u to let u noe dat u will b ok... how u slowly fall so lifeless as the medicine take effect... it was hard leavin dat place... where i noe u will alwiz b there forever... n here in mi heart....

wrote sth dat doesnt flow but dat is exactly how i feel... sad... cried day n nite.. but u r gone le... miss u so dearly....

- wo de xin si le-
=dead=

Monday, April 12, 2004

back to update.. feelin veli sad now.. mi dog is dyin... haiz... he got knock down by car.. broke his bone.. den cant walk now.. he is in pain.. c liao mi veli xin tong.. mi beloved dog.. bu she to c him die.. but let him live.. he so xin ku.. so the best is to put him to slp... dunno wat to feel.. loved my dog veli veli much.. but now hav to lose him... rather he was lost foever n nv been found... at least i wun noe he is dyin.. n i dun hav to c it...
last sat stil played wif him.. so healthy n lively... den now.. he can onli cry in pain.. n i cant help... operation is too ex.. n it doesnt ensure he will live... dunno wat to do... will love him alwiz n forever... n will nv forget him.. he had given mi joys n lots of memories... how i hope he is lively n able to bite mi... if noe tis dae wld cum so earli.. i wld hav let him bite mi more times.. at least those scars is sth he left for mi... haiz... cry oso no use.. miss him alreadi...
gdbye mi dearest dog.. hope u will happier if u leave tis world... live tis horrible place...

to dat damn driver.. curse u dat u hav half ur life shortened.. u KILL mi DOG!!! hit him le den run.. dun even hav the heart to call SPCA... fuck u.. too hell u go... so heartless... u jus take away a life so precious to mi.... hope u drive den gt accident.. cross road giv cars knock down.. climb stairs fall down... eat den gt choke.. u will forever b CURSED!!!!

~heartbroken~

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

here to update.. fast rite.. nan de in less den 1 wk mi update twice.. hahaha well actualli wanna complain bout the bowling thingy.. bout jus how stupid LIAN sux!! how unfair he can b.. n how bias he is.. argh... todae at work tink of it den make mi fume ar... dat time shd hav gone n ask him y mi cca pts so little liao.. now den realise abit too late n like no pt.. but realli damn ANGRY ar.... if got chance go back sch n so qiao c him hor.. im sooooo goin to ask him.... beta giv mi 1 damn gd explanation... im dedicated to bowling though i sux.. but cant giv mi lousy grades jus cos i sux... arghh... he SUX!!!! BIG TIME!!!!!